The holidays are often portrayed as a time of joy, connection, and peace, but if you’re in recovery, you might know they can also bring up stress, old wounds, and family tension. Being around relatives can stir emotions you thought you’d left behind, and the pressure to “keep the peace” or live up to expectations can make it harder to stay centered.
If you’ve ever left a holiday gathering feeling drained or anxious, you’re not alone. Many people in recovery struggle with family dynamics during this season. But with the right mindset and tools, you can protect your peace, honor your progress, and make it through the holidays without losing sight of your recovery goals.
Why Family Tension Happens
Family relationships are rarely simple. Even with love, there may be years of misunderstandings, hurt feelings, or old patterns that resurface, especially during the holidays. Addiction can magnify these dynamics. You may have hurt loved ones in the past, or they may have hurt you. Some might still see you as the person you were before treatment instead of who you’re becoming.
When everyone gathers under one roof, those emotional layers can surface quickly. Add the pressure of creating a “perfect” holiday—big meals, high expectations, travel, or money stress—and small disagreements can easily grow into larger conflicts.
Tension can also come from judgmental comments, a lack of understanding about addiction, or relatives who still drink or use substances around you. Sometimes, it’s simply being in a familiar environment that brings back old emotions or habits.
Why the Holidays Can Make It Worse
The holidays tend to magnify everything, both good and bad. Joy feels brighter, but so can sadness, guilt, or frustration. There’s often an unspoken expectation that everyone should be happy, which can make it hard to express when you’re struggling.
You might feel pressure to attend events even when you know they’ll be stressful, or to “make up for” time you’ve lost with family. If alcohol or drugs are part of your family’s holiday traditions, the temptation can feel overwhelming. The good news is, you can navigate these challenges with preparation, self-awareness, and compassion—for both yourself and others.
How to Cope with Family Tension in Recovery
- Set Boundaries Before the Gathering
You have every right to protect your recovery. Before the holidays arrive, take time to think about what you can and can’t handle. Boundaries might include:
- Limiting how long you stay at family gatherings.
- Choosing not to attend events where substances will be present.
- Declining conversations that make you uncomfortable.
- Arranging your own transportation so you can leave if you feel triggered.
- Have a Support Plan in Place
You don’t have to face family stress alone. Before attending an event, talk to your AA sponsor, counselor, or a trusted friend in recovery. Let them know what you’re worried about and make a plan to check in before and after.
If things start to feel overwhelming, step outside to take a walk, call your support person, or practice grounding exercises.
- Keep Realistic Expectations
You may hope that this holiday will be different, that everyone will get along, that the past will stay in the past, or that your family will fully understand your recovery journey. While those hopes are valid, it helps to stay in reality.
People change at their own pace. Some family members might not understand recovery yet, and that’s okay. Focus on how you respond, not how others behave. Your peace comes from within, not from everyone else’s approval.
- Avoid Engaging in Old Patterns
When you return to familiar settings, it’s easy to fall into old roles—the peacemaker, the caretaker, or even the one who withdraws to avoid conflict. But you’re not that same person anymore.
If a relative says something hurtful, take a breath before responding. You don’t need to win the argument or prove anything. You can simply say you do not want to talk about it and shift the conversation. Walking away from conflict shows strength, not weakness.
- Stay Focused on Gratitude and Growth
Even if things feel tense, try to focus on what’s going right. Maybe you’re sober this holiday for the first time in years. Maybe you’re showing up for yourself in ways you couldn’t before.
Practicing gratitude doesn’t mean pretending everything’s fine. It means noticing small moments of peace and progress. For example, write down three things you’re grateful for each day during the holiday season to help shift your mindset and keep you grounded in what truly matters.
- Know When to Step Back
Sometimes, the healthiest choice is to skip an event altogether. If being around certain family members feels too triggering or unsafe, it’s okay to say no. You can spend the day with recovery friends, attend a holiday meeting, or volunteer to help others in need.
You’re not required to put yourself in harm’s way to keep family traditions alive. Choosing peace over pressure is an act of self-respect.
- Practice Self-Care Every Day
During the holidays, it’s easy to neglect the basics—healthy meals, rest, movement, and quiet reflection. Yet these habits keep you grounded when emotions run high.
Make time for rest, movement, mindfulness, and connection. These small routines remind you that recovery isn’t just about staying sober, but about caring for your whole self.
Finding Peace in Spokane, Washington
At Pacific Sky Recovery Center, we know the holidays can be both beautiful and challenging for people in recovery. Our team in Spokane, Washington helps you build the emotional tools and coping skills you need to navigate family stress while protecting your sobriety.
